About Death

There is no perfect age to die. If you love someone, it's never the right time. It's always painful.

And funerals have traditionally been wrapped up in cotton wool, in our society.

But emotions have their own reasons - and they will intrude on our lives at such a time.

Sometimes what you need to learn is that whatever you're feeling, that needs to be expressed - without embarrassment; without trying to hide these feelings from others, or from yourself.

Sometimes, of course, you might also be experiencing some ambivalence, because this person you wanted so much from couldn't give you what you needed. Maybe that was because they didn't have it available within themselves. And that's sad, for you and for them. But you have the chance to build yourself up again, while they don't, any more. So it's important to begin coming to terms with that too.
Year one after the death of someone meaningful to you may be the worst, tracking through such feelings as Denial, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Hopelessness, Relief (especially if they've been sick for a long time). Then there are all the firsts; the first Christmas holiday without them, the anniversary of their birth - and of their death. And let's face it, a year isn't much.
Of course, the death of a baby is something else again. That's one of the 'biggies' of life.
If the deceased person is quite young, but of an age where they've had a chance to learn and do a few things, while that's always a greater burden to bear initially, one of the things I've found, as a Civil Funeral Celebrant, is that often, the person who dies young has lived a fuller life than some others who've lived for a long time. It really stands out to me, when I hear the stories of their life, preparing the funeral ceremony.

Of course, even if you know this, that doesn't make it any easier. You've still lost someone 'out of time'. The light of your life. Your hope for the future.

That's why the person you choose as a Celebrant for the funeral is so important. You need someone who really understands about these feelings. Someone who acknowledges that it is 'your' funeral, not theirs. So you have all the choices. Don't settle for second best. And if you don't already have someone you know e.g. a priest or minister, who you want to lead the ceremony, make sure it's you who chooses.

At the funeral and afterwards, it's very important to let yourself do your grieving, for as long as that takes.
Of course, if you find yourself, after that first year, still living your own life with reference to the dead person and unable to move on effectively, that does mean you need help. You may consider having a Post Bereavement 'Another Life' Ceremony. It really does help.