Coping When Parents Separate & Divorce
Dear Problem-solver,
My parents are always fighting and it frightens me. My friend's
parents are divorced and she lives with just her mum. It's always
nice and quiet at her house. No fighting. Last time Mum and Dad
had a fight, I ended up screaming at them, 'Why don't you get
a divorce? Then maybe we could have some peace around here.' They
both looked at me, really shocked, as if I'd said something terrible.
It probably was an awful thing to say, but it did stop that fight,
for the present.
When can I do to stop them fighting permanently? Please help,
I am really worried.
Trisha
Dear Trisha,
I am sorry to say there is probably nothing you can do to stop
your parents fighting. Whatever they are fighting about is between
them and only they can sort it out. I can understand you comparing
your situation with that of your friend, but no one can assume
the reason there is no fighting at her house is because her parents
are divorced. Her mother may just be a naturally quiet type of
person.
Problems are not always solved by divorce. After people divorce,
they still each have to sort out what it was about them or their
partner that caused their problems. If your friend's parents have
been divorced for a long time perhaps they have worked out where
they went wrong, or perhaps they've simply agreed to stay away
from one another, so your friend has the freedom to see each of
them separately and have quite separate relationships with each
parent. In any case, the feeling in her house is the result of
the relationships between the people who now live there.
There is no easy way out of serious problems. For yourself, maybe
it would help to talk to a teacher or counsellor at school if
the fights are really upsetting you.
Dear Problem-solver
I wrote to you a few months ago when my parents were fighting
a lot and I thought they might be better off divorced. No they've
taken me at my word. Last Friday they told my brother and me that
they have decided to separate, and Dad left. Now I keep thinking
they separated because I suggested it. It's quiet all right now.
Everyone's clammed up completely since he left, but I can't stop
crying. Neither can my mum.
Do you think Dad would come back if I told him I could put up
with the fighting?
Trisha
Dear Trisha,
You must not blame yourself for your dad leaving. You may remember
I told you at the time, 'Whatever they are fighting about is between
them.' Well, it still is. No two adults are going to separate
just because one of their children was upset and said something
to them in that state.
Perhaps you could talk to your mum about how you are feeling.
I am sure she will tell you not to feel guilty. Of course you
could ask you dad whether he wants to come back, when you see
him. Perhaps he will be able to explain to you the the real cause
of him leaving.
This is a difficult time for the whole family. If you can talk
to the other family members about how you feel, it may help everyone
to get over it more quickly.
The first thing you need to know is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
No matter what is said or done at the time two adults stop living
together, it is never, ever the fault of their children.
If your parents have separated or divorced, or if they are talking
about doing so, there have probably been some fights at home.
Perhaps a lot of fights. When people fight, many things are said
in the heat of the moment that are not necessarily true. Sometimes
they have a little truth in them, but are blown up to seem much
worse than they really are. People can become so upset about what
is happening that they don't think about how the things they say
will hurt other people; they just want to win the argument.
Some people don't like to admit they're in the wrong, so they
look around for someone else to blame. They may blame the boss
at work, the government, the heavy traffic on the way home, the
fridge that isn't working properly, or their children, for their
bad temper.
So you might be feeling guilty because you think you did something
to make things go wrong in your family, or because you can't do
anything to make them come right again. Perhaps you have long
day dreams about how you can make your parents love one another
again and stop fighting.
In fact they may still care about one another in some ways, but
just not be able to get along happily together any more. There
are many different reasons people separate. Some of them, such
as drunkenness, violence, or a parent who shouts and makes threats
all the time, are obvious to all family members and are very
frightening.
If your home has been like this, you may even be relieved this
is coming to an end.
However, it is very confusing If your parents suddenly announce
they are separating and you have not seen or heard any signs of
trouble between them. Many things happen between a husband and
wife that nobody else knows about; not even their children. They
may have done their darndest to keep it quiet, in the hope they
could fix these problems and no one else would ever have to know
about them.
Whatever the reason for your parents separating and maybe applying
for a divorce, whatever they say or do, that is something between
them. None of it means that your parents do not love you. The
way parents feel about their children is quite different from
the way they feel about anyone else in the whole world. Although
you, as their child, have had your life turned topsy turvy, remember
it is happening to you. It is not ever caused by you.
GLENN 13
I was about six when my parents separated. Mum and Dad sort of
gave us little talks and said they were not getting on too good
with each other any more, then Mum went and lived just up the
road a bit and we went and saw her every second weekend and that
was sort of all right. Not long after that I think she went to
America with Albert or whoever he was and she gave us a letter,
saying 'You won't understand this when I write it to you but in
a few years you'll understand why I'm doing this and I hope it
doesn't upset you.' That's about all I remember. It was fairly
long ago and detailed. I kept it for a while but I've changed
around my room a few times. I don't know where it is now. I've
probably lost it somewhere.
It made me pretty sad. I didn't understand everything that it
meant. I most likely said I did, but I probably didn't. I didn't
feel sad straight away when Mum had gone, but I think once I'd
read the letter, it made me feel that I really wasn't going to
see her for a while.
I didn't burst into tears or anything. I don't think you really
can over that sort of thing. You keep it to yourself but you sort
of cry inside you. There are different kinds of crying. You cry
because you're sad and because you're unhappy and you can cry
because you are in pain but this was not the sort of thing you
really cry about. It hurts inside but that's about the only way
to say it.
I think it brought the rest of us together. We had to help Dad
a bit. Everyone was having the same sort of pressure so if we
all started fighting each other, it would have just got worse.
You can't express your feelings, but I think we all helped each
other. We sat down and talked about it a few times and we made
sure that everybody was happy with what was happening. Even if
we couldn't change it, we still had to do what we could, so there
was no conflict between us. There's always little fights and we
got on each other's nerves now and then but it was pretty good
I'd say. It's pretty hard to remember because it was quite a long
time ago.
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'SO MUM & DAD SPLIT UP' |
| © Beryl Shaw. |
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