Helping Children in the Solo Parent Family to a Brighter Future
I think what I resented was just Mum hurting Dad so much and
leaving us with Dad. You feel unwanted. I felt that she didn't want to
look after us.
I can hardly remember what it was like having Mum here. I sometimes
wonder why I can't remember. I don't know whether it's just me because
I've got a bad memory anyway, or just maybe I wanted so much to put Mum
out of my mind because I resented her so much for it.
When she came back from America I didn't really want to go over and see
her but we had to go every second weekend and I used to just go out all
the time and never stay over there.
She came back after about a year. The man she left for went back to his
ex wife and Mum came back here quite distressed. I think she wanted to
get back with Dad, but he was too hurt. I would have told him 'No.
Don't you do that.' too.
It's only the last two years that Mum and I started talking because I
think I finally realised I was the one being stupid and selfish, not
trying to understand the way it actually was. I made up excuses as to
why she did it but not really getting down to all the nitty gritty.
Then when I started to do HSC, I decided I was going to change schools
and Mum's house was closer for me and I could get away from my brother
and sister and do a bit of study, so I moved in with her.
We're more like two sisters really than a mother/daughter. She can muck
around with me and be one of the girls when all my friends come over.
She changes a bit, she gets moody with me. We don't fight much because
I hardly ever see her really. She's always at work, but when I do see
her we get on well now. She only tells me to clean up, that's all. And
'Stop smoking' she says.
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I probably wouldn't have had the same relationship with my parents if
they had stayed together.
Dad hasn't done too badly, I don't think. I'm happy the way I am. I
don't hold grudges towards either of them.
PART 1
MAKING THE ADJUSTMENT -- THE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
or (Any idea 'round about when dinner might be ready Mum?)
Greg came charging up the passage. 'Any idea round about when
dinner might be ready Mum?' Ah, such openness. Or ambivalence? No. He
was quite happy either way, so long as he had an answer he could work
around.
I don't remember now just how I answered his question, but when I had,
my son began to look thoughtful. He knew I was having trouble picking a
name for this book. Suddenly he said to me. 'That's what you should
call your new book. What I just asked. Apart from "I'm bored. What can
I do?", the thing I've said to you more than anything else lately is
"Any idea round about when dinner might be ready".
Referring to the year since we left his father, Greg was right. When I
was a full time housewife a good deal of thought went into what we
would have for meals and they were always at the same time, give or
take a few minutes. Unless he was working late, we had dinner when Dad
came home. It was as simple as that.
In a solo parent household food is no less important, but the
preparation and planning of menus is often slotted in amongst the many
other things that are waiting to be done, almost as an after thought.
The fact that Greg also asked for a 'round about' time showed he had
become used to our more flexible time table.
The allied question from my children has also become couched in these
same hopeful terms. 'Any idea what we are having for dinner?' rather
than just 'What's for dinner, Mum?', with the certainty that used to be
theirs. Now I am a specialist in recipes that take about twenty minutes
to prepare and cook, often only thinking about what food is available
at the last possible moment.
Of course, all change takes time to assimilate The degree to which we
are able to manage the changes without undue trauma is determined by
many things. One of those things is knowledge. This book is an attempt
to pass on to others the knowledge I have gained through two different,
but allied life experiences.
I was thirteen when my parents separated, after quite some time in a
worsening situation. Years later, I was in the position of having to
make the same decision my mother made. I had four children at the time,
ranging in age from six to sixteen.
As a result of having had the dual experience I know how different for
the child/ren the experience is from that of their parents.
And yes, I do understand why parents who have a really good
relationship with their children think they understand what their child
is going through at such a time. But I also know, from having lived it,
that the experience for the child is quite different to what an adult
can begin to imagine, unless they have themselves gone through this
turmoil at a young age.
I hope my dual experience and the advice I offer will help parents who
are trying to bring up their children alone. And help them understand
more fully what it is like for the young and powerless. Also those who
are now adult, but who were children at the time of separating, or one
parent dying, so they may better understand what happened to them.
Grand parents, friends, teachers and relatives of solo parent families
will also gain understanding from this book. Anyone, in fact, who comes
into contact with members of a solo parent family, especially as a part
of their work; e.g. doctors, solicitors, social workers, etc. An
understanding I hope they will use in supporting these families.
All the participants in these events do need help, the children most of
all. Their lives are being altered irrevocably. In interviewing those
who had been through separation, or the death of a parent, as a child,
I noticed one big difference between those experiencing separation or
bereavement trauma as an adult and those experiencing the same thing as
a son or daughter in such a family. While the adult participants were
often able to turn the 'terrible' events around in later years,
sometimes even making screamingly funny party stories out of them, the
child participants were unable to do this. No matter how hard I tried
to get them to find the ridiculous in what had happened to or around
them, they were unable to. What was horrible then is horrible now.
This was the same for me. However, I do find now that having had a
chance to explore all my internal feelings with others in the same
boat, as well as having used my experiences in some way for the
enlightenment of others, a lot of the things I went through are now
just a memory, nothing more, nothing less. They have lost their
emotional 'sting'.
Most young people do not know how to tell the adults around them how
badly upset and disoriented they are by these events. If they are able
to put it all into words, with everything happening so fast and their
parents suffering a turmoil of their own, it can, in any case, be very
difficult for a child to make their need to talk and to be comforted
obvious to the parent. The other factor here is that it is only after
some months or years that the effect of a lot of this turmoil comes out.
One of these effects can be that the children of a single parent family
doubt the possibility of forming deep trusting man/woman relationship
that will last. Alternately, some people will go into marriage or a
full time relationship with the first person who suggests it, because
their need to make up for what they lost is so great. They don't stop
and look at whether the person is right for them, or if it is really
love on both sides.
There seem to be two opposite statements many people make in talking
about the children of solo parents families and the trauma they go
through. Some say 'It's the children who suffer most'. Others say
'Don't worry about the children, they'll adjust'. Neither statement is
accurate enough, or sufficient to the situation, because all situations
and all people are different, but it is the second one that causes me
the greatest concern.
Of course children adjust, so do adults. But is it a good adjustment or
a poor adjustment? That is the question. Have the problems perhaps just
been pushed down under a veneer of coping, ready to spring out any time
certain events occur, or when life becomes difficult?
Many of the feelings children have are similar to those experienced by
their parents at the time. Anger, grief, fear for the future,
insecurity about the ability of others in the family to cope
emotionally, doubt about the financial situation. Underlying all this
for children, is the feeling of powerlessness. If we are first ready,
willing and able to listen to them, support them, help them understand
why their parents have acted in the way they have, they have a better
chance to learn effective ways of relating to others and that they can
have some say in what will happen to them in the future.
There are ways for our young people to learn to make correct life
decisions and to analyse other people's personalities and motives, so
they are better equipped than we were to make choices about all areas
of their lives and choose a partner effectively. They are learning all
the time from the actions of the adults around them. We can help them
by ourselves learning better ways of interacting with others, as well
as by talking with our children and the children of others about life
as it is lived in the real world.
This book will have been worth the writing if just a few people stop
saying 'The children will be all right', while perhaps really meaning
'I don't know how to help them sort out their lives', or perhaps 'It's
too hard, so I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best'.
If just a few parents can make time, amid their own struggles, to
realise that here and now is when their children need the understanding
and support - it may be even harder to help your children sort out
their problems if you wait until you've sorted out all your own. If
social workers can look beyond the immediate practical needs of a
separated and/or bereaved family to spend some time talking to the
children when Mum/Dad is too tired. Help now is what is needed; and for
those who are having trouble years later, Help now, do not let it go
any further.
Parents especially, have greater abilities than they sometimes realise.
Just a bit of help to recognise your own strengths, your own unique
knowledge of your child, your own ability to advise and bolster your
child's self esteem may be all parents themselves need.
Reading this book will, I hope, help parents recognise their own
expertise in these areas. As I hope it will aid friends, adult sons and
daughters of solo parents, relatives, neighbours, professionals working
with one parent families.
Some of the greatest help may be obtained by re-reading chapters of
special interest, or looking up a special problem area in the relevant
section and chapter. Perhaps, years after reading it first, some of you
will re-read the whole book. Maybe to gain some more insights into your
position, maybe just to see how far you have come in your personal
development in the time between.
Because development is possible. Once the people affected by difficult
situations come to see exactly what was happening to them and why, they
are able to go on to a self determining way of life, using what they
have experienced as the basis of a better life from here on in.
I wish to be quite clear on one point. Separation is not the problem.
Divorce is not the problem. Widowhood is not the problem. Single
parenthood is not the problem. The problems arise, or are perpetuated,
when the ongoing effects of all that has happened are not dealt with.
The implications of not doing so, can be far reaching. The nature of
these traumas and ways of working through them, are the prime subject
of this book.
Death is not discriminatory. It takes fathers and mothers of young
children just as readily as it takes older people, or children
themselves. The same as single parenthood also occurs in families of
all types. I also believe no-one should ever stay in a truly
destructive marriage for the sake of the children. If the marriage is
that bad, more damage is done to the family by perpetuating a
physically or mentally violent marriage, than by parting.
The trauma of separation and divorce can be overcome, if there is a
desire to do so and knowledge of how to go about it. The disruption of
relationships that occurs before and after this change affects all
family members. The situation in which our sons and daughters find
themselves seems so much worse to them because they feel they have no
control over what their parents are doing to their lives.
No matter how well intentioned the adult around them, they may not be
receiving the help they need to come to terms with what is happening,
simply because of the overload inherent in a fast changing situation.
Are they being talked to, or listened to? Have their parents made time
to explain that it is all right for them to go on caring about both
parents? That they are still part of a family, albeit of an altered
type? That their parents both still care what happens to them, now and
for the future? Parents may need to take the initiative, since the
children are often unable to ask the questions they need answered.
I believe I have been a more helpful and understanding parent to my
children, after the separation from their father, because of my own
experiences as a young person in the same position.
Single (that is, never married) parents suffer very similar
difficulties to the widowed or divorced as their children begin to
grown. There are not only the realities of being alone, with all that
implies, but also the reality of continued grief, in most cases. There
has usually been the separation from a loved one, the question of how
to explain to others how you came to this point (people will ask) and
how you feel about it. But ultimately, one of the biggest problems to
sort out is how to explain to your child/ren why and how their
situation is different from that of most of their friends and
relatives. It doesn't matter that attitudes are changing. They are
still different and difference from their peers means lack of a certain
amount of security for all young people. I feel constrained to also add
that not all people's attitudes have changed, so the son or daughter of
a single parent may still have harsh things repeated to them.
As with the other types of solo parent families, the better the adults
around them are able to understand what the child is feeling, the
better will be the help the child receives, to understand themselves
and to make the adjustments these differences require. Each child is a
valuable person in their own right. When they learn this young enough,
nothing can keep them down for long.
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'POWER TO THE CHILDREN' |
| © Beryl Shaw. |
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