The Reflections of a Solo Parent
I feel cheated. As if all those years and all the effort I put into being a wife and mother still don't add up to my having had a marriage. Looking back down the years I see nothing in this partnership for me. My husband had a wife, I gave him that. The mothering I gave to our four children and all they've returned to me - love, laughter, worry, joy, lots of things in a two-way relationship; how wonderful. But I never had a husband; not really, my heart and soul know this. Someone who cannot give but only takes and demands more and more to feed their self-ness, is no partner-for-life - no right thinking parent - just a 'him', a 'her', a poor sad 'self' incapable of being what others need .
Before marriage we read articles in magazines about how we are going to need to adjust to living with someone else after years of putting our own desires first and foremost. At first we adapt to the needs of another adult, then later to those of one or more children, if that's the path we've followed. All these changes require us to grow in maturity. Isn't it strange, therefore, that in these times of growing divorce figures, so little has been written about the need to adjust to this 'third state', post-marriage.
Here you are, alone again, in the man-woman sense of the term; but does this mean you can go back to putting yourself first and foremost again? Not for those of us with children - and that means most of us. Actually, the need to put self last is greater, especially during that crucial first twelve months after the separation. It is now well established that this period is one of enormous upheaval (as those of us already through it know all to well). Every emotion is magnified many times over. Children who got along well suddenly begin fighting like cat and dog. If you found your children hard to discipline before, well 'you ain't seen nothin' yet'. They'll stand up to you, defy you, swear at you. Others seem to retreat entirely into themselves, especially the very young ones who may have no clear idea of why one parent is suddenly missing. Just keep in mind that they are being torn by two enormously strong emotions, fear and anger.
Let us look at their fear. Even if they were strongly aware that something was wrong before the break-up, they did have two parents which today is still considered normal, they were fed, clothed, housed and in most cases had never had to consider the alternatives; and they were loved. Even a bad parent usually gives some evidence of love for their children. if only seldom.
Look at this shortlist, and do your own tally of how many of those things and others, individually yours, that have changed. As a child, if these things central to your well-being can change, wouldn't you be terribly afraid that everything else might just as suddenly be taken from you: for example, if the parent a child is with is looking for a job for even a short time, how threatening.
Then there's the anger. If the parent not now living with the children has displayed a bad temper, perhaps even physical violence, if s/he has seriously upset them in other ways often (by abuse, broken promises, erratic and frightening behaviour, for example) these is usually a reservoir of hatred for the parent stored up in each mind and probably never expressed for fear of further aggressive behaviour.
Suddenly, the object of all repressed anger is gone, but the emotion is still there - and it will come out at this time because it must once the fear is gone. Alas, the common enemy being no longer in reach it explodes to and fro within the family unit, giving the solo parent a giant headache; unless we can keep our cool and see this as only a symptom - like a high fever in illness - and allow it to happen while making comforting noises to keep things within some bounds, and remember, it will pass.
Remember also that even when a split up occurs under outwardly more amicable circumstance there can still be hatred present. It is usually more difficult then for a young person to understand why this had to happen and divided loyalties can cause blame to be placed on one parent, often the one who physically moved out, for in the child's eyes that parent was the one causing them to be deprived of what was an important part of his/her world. Reassurance now will pay off later as you all gain confidence in your new situation and the fact emerges that a new kind of stability is possible.
By this time the word loneliness will very likely have taken on a whole new meaning for you and you will be crying out, 'but what about me?'. Of course you may already have found someone to go out with during this time but even if s/he is not married (and the married ones seem to abound - nice people too, but dynamite for you) the statistics are all against you. Pairs formed during this twelve months and going into marriage have a high failure rate. It stands to reason, of course: most people linking up during this time are doing if for all the wrong reasons. Our need for someone to prove to us that we are lovable and thereby to put back together the shattered pieces of our self esteem is so great that we can be blinded to the reality that we don't know who we are ourselves yet. This takes a good deal of work to discover.
In marriage you tend to become Bill's wife or Mary's husband; Betty, Anne and Paul's father or mother; the eyes and ears of the traffic warden; the arms and legs of a nurse, the handyman, the head of the school mother's club; the taxi driver; the financial provider, the heart of the home, the 'my dad's bigger than your dad'. You've been moulded by all these forces, all these demands. You'll still have to be a lot of these things but before you can possibly offer yourself to another human being to form permanent and lasting links together, you have to find out who you are under all these layers. We are each responsible for our own rebirth and after discovering ourselves anew we may or may not form a new attachment but either way we'll do so from a position of knowledge, and if we do give ourselves it will be the gift of a whole person. That whole person will also have a much more satisfying life if the right person does not happen along to share that life, and remember that staying alone is a viable possibility. There are all sorts of things you can do to make it more bearable and when it comes to the crunch it's better to stay alone than to make a second mistake and go into a marriage or any long term relationship that is likely to destroy you all over again.
Hold onto that thought - better no one than the wrong one.
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'OUT HERE ON MY OWN' |
| © Beryl Shaw. |
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